I guess some good can come from cancer after all! I'm one of those really insecure people that cna't handle when I mess up; a perfectionist; Type A to the hilt! Previous to my diagnosis I was struggling with way too much mental fatigue, forgetfullness and disorented thoughts. I thought I was going through early Alzheimers. Instead I had cancer. hmm; but I thought chemofog didn't start until you actually had chemo treatments. :)
I always took delight when taking IQ tests and scoring over 130 or beating opponents at friendly or competitively nasty Trivia Pursuit games. But when I had to stop to think how old my children were, or not being able to remember what I wore the day before or what I ate for dinner or where my keys were, I realized that I was slipping and was no longer a competative player. I was old; over the hill and no longer viable. I could see myself scrabbling for the edge of the cliff; in my mind saying "no not me; really I'm a great thinker; honestly you will be amazed; just give me another chance." All of course with a perfectly polite demeanor; I never ever let people truly see how I felt.
But with my diagnosis came freedom; I lost my hair, five teeth, 20 pounds, then packed on 40, became allergic to makeup, and became even more befuddled with the added chemofog. At least now though, I had an excuse. I liked that I could be forgetful. Amazing that when you tell people you had cancer and were just now recovering from treatments how kind and merciful they could be. It's quite freeing - and takes the stress off deadlines. As a free lance writer, sometimes articles need to be written on a tight schedule. My editor has been very patient. but come to think of it, I haven't gotten an assignment in a while. Hmm.....
I have learned to keep a calendar and have one on my refrigerator, one in my purse and a white wipe off on my bedroom door. My boss is appreciative and applauds whatever method I choose to keep myself on track. I also have learned to keep notes, lists and a dictionary handy. I, who once was the #1 speller at Los
Altos Elementary School in 5th and 6th grades, can not remember how to spell ability; or the difference between to too and two. Uggh; it's so embarrassing. Another thing; I actually started this blog some time ago, but kept forgetting where I 'kept' it. I knew I had a blog somewhere; I'm glad for my friend James and his blog Truth Under Fire; I wouldn't have remembered if I hadn't visited his blog. Thanks, James. :D
